so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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