It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had to cum in my sink.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
