you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
