Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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