So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
