We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
