I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
