Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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