I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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