she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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