meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
