I am spending my child support on dildos
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
