just survived the first fart of the relationship.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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