why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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