I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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