He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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