I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
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