I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
