Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
