shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
