I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
