You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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