If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
