smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
