I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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