pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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