We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
