i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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