All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
