it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
