Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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