the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
