So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
then he tried to convert me to islam
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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