first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
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I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
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Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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