Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
