my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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