How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
