cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
