Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
