I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We are two peas in an std pod
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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