After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
