she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
