Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
how does that bad decision feel?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
