we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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