Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
