When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
