You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
