i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
