At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
