so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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