I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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