the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im six kinds of drunk right now
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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