So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
