it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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