I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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