You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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