K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
