I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
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i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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