I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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