just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
