she was so not down for the gang bang
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
